Apathy Introduction

Hello Lost Web-surfers,

    Jumping right into what's sitting in the engine room of my thought train, apathy. Someone casually told me today that apathetic people make them mad. Good to be reassured that my existence incurs the rage of others. Google defines apathy as "showing or feeling no interest, enthusiasm, or concern."

    
     So perhaps, I'm only half apathetic is my initial thought when reading that because I don't show my apathy to people and since no one's called me out on my bullshiet, I must be good at portraying that I care. I can easily blame this on my upbringing and I'm sure other factors in my life caused this in me that I'm unaware of. It doesn't seem to be a family thing and I know I was a sunshine smiling kid when I was little. I think I'll have an Apathy tag in case this topic truly interests you and you want to follow my posts relating to the subject.
Ha, Imagine if you could follow the mental Fall of a man rib by rib with help of a simple Tag.

    I don't think I'd go as far as to say I don't feel any emotions because I've been disappointed, pissed off, and nervous. I think I'd say that, at least for now, I have complete or near complete control of my emotions. I can refuse to feel and it used to feel, ironically, so empowering. With all these new movements, you know the ones on TV and in books with men that cry and bad-ass women with real emotions, talking about how talking about your feelings is better and holding them in kills you no matter how well you feel you play it off however, not sure how I feel about it now. That's a lie, it's really strengthening my internal conviction that I'm a self-destructing timed bomb and that while everyone else is racing against aging and lost potential, I just want to follow my dreams and make a difference before my possibly too soon death...then again isn't every death too soon? Anyways, these movements are part of why I say my control is "at least for now" because I'm scared I'm just suppressing my emotions and I'll pop one day like shaken pop. I can't imagine hurting someone else thankfully, but I feel all those feelings would just have to topple out with the same level of drama as violence towards others. Here's to "let's hope the death not".

    This is my first and only warning; if you're easily offended or  can already tell this type of apathy will drive you mad with rage, don't bother reading because since this is anonymous I plan to blunt. 

    As I've mentioned, a huge aspect of this is that I already don't feel  or care for most situations or things because of my upbringing. When shootouts happen or someone is shot and it's not in my neighborhood, I don't care. When they are in my neighborhood, I don't care, but I like to know so I can be more focused on my surroundings. When that animal abuse commercial comes on to guilt grab the viewers money, I hella flapping don't care. When a little girl has cancer or a man has overcome language barriers, I don't care. I might be congratulatory, but so what? Go on and do your life because everyone faces varying degrees of adversity and issues. It's never fair and often it doesn't always matter. I'm not sure if I don't feel for different 'emotional' situations naturally or if this is a logic based thing. It feels more flattering to say my apathy is purely logic based, but I'd hate to group all of those actual intellects with apathetic jerks.(1)
    To elaborate what I mean by my apathy being logic based, let's refer to my examples. Animal abuse commercials at most annoy me because it's people trying to manipulate people with crude, though tame compared to the abuse they could show, imagery and emotional music about angels. Not only do I not care what you do since I'm too stingy with money to donate, but the commercial never says directly what donations go to or how they're organized. Also knowing the ad wants to manipulate me to do one thing brings out my inner teenager to defiantly not do it. To explain my last example, since I already addressed my logic towards the third one, on shootings and shootouts I'd have to point out that the people are dead and no matter how I react they're still dead. Maybe they died in agony, maybe it was swift, but it doesn't matter if I care cuz death is death is death. It's just the kinda thing that'll stay consistent until some doctor accidentally starts a zombie apocalypse or makes the first strain of a vampire virus.
   
    On to the actual process I personally partake in to be 'apathetic'. That makes this sound like I'm going to lead some Wiki How lesson with steps. Imagine all the "It's not a phase"👿💀 kids that'll traffic this page because they're above those useless emotions society promotes them to have. It's really a quick process and how I, ironically, feel when I'm not feeling an emotion. Instantly, I either don't recognize the emotion once it starts or before the emotion really manifests enough for me to feel it, I sort of just continue not feeling. I know that's not as descriptive as I built it up to be but, I don't like swipe left on an emotion or consciously store it away, I just don't feel it.Like a light switch, you can't see when light starts or stops, because it travels at light speed. That's how it feels. except so fast the light seems to have been on the entire time. Like I've said, or maybe that light, my apathy, is just always on, I wouldn't know.
    For example, When I was at an amusement park I got on that ride you sit in with a row of other people that is on a tall pole and shoots you up to the top, teases the fall a bit, then lets you free fall all the way back doooown to the bottom. Obviously, it's not a true free-fall and the machine is controlled, but that's how it feels. (Googled it it's called the drop ride, so you can Google image that if you'd like.) When I first rode it, I felt anxious before hand. As it lifted up the air flew by and I left my stomach behind with it. My heart was at a cautious tempo, but I enjoyed the view and the new perspective. Then when we fell a bit just to rise back up, somewhere between I must've stopped my fear, exhilaration, and like emotions. When we fell all I felt was air whipping by and the screams of my neighbors. Not a single scream or gasp out of me. The downside was I didn't feel the 'fun' adrenaline rush people describe feeling on rides like that, but I still enjoy rides because not screaming or being scared feels like it's own kind of rewarding. Like winning a challenge.

    So I guess that's my intro. to my 'apathy'. I plan to elaborate in the future about my childhood and how that's affected/ caused my apathy and how that in turn relates to my take on all these different kinds of social justice movements. Maybe I'll have an intro. to my take on those in general, because it may surprise you that I have taken part in and continue to take part in social justice movements. My childhood could be it's own tag, because it's caused lots of the major things I want to get off my chest. Such as, but not limited too; gender, race, colorism, apathy, friendship (is magic, jk) depression, anxiety disorder, trust issues(which seems to be the new black these days, no worries it's not sappy love stories gone bad shiet), and schools. If you can relate to any of these topics, then I do want to encourage you to go to these tags' comments sections at the very least, because talking about these kinds of serious issues and points of views are mental health wise helpful. It's been scientifically proven that talking about your problems helps you. Course my depression laced brain is both logical enough to know talking to people would solve my problems, yet chemically failing enough to tell me not to anyways. So now I'm writing anonymously to a bunch of strangers and that's if I'm lucky enough for anyone to end up reading this.

[Clever closing phrase]~KitCat

(1)Golly Gosh, I love my verbal irony. "Apathetic jerks" is also a bit off an offensive grouping label because some do try to care and go out of their way to pretend out of the goodness in their hearts. Only reason this isn't really as offending to us is because most of the times blunt apathetic tendencies are jerk-y and cruel in comparison to how everyone else acts. Plus we don't care ;). Truthfully I do it, for appearance reasons, I could elaborate on that in another post if anyone wants(hell, I'll probably do it even if no one does)